nightmare

I had an incredibly difficult time falling asleep last night. Seeing as I exercised two days in a row for the first time in three weeks (due to my ridiculous cold) and that my arms were still sore from climbin on Saturday, I thought that this would be a non-issue, as I assumed I would be exhausted. But alas, no.

What was I thinking about that kept me up late at night?

Virginia.

Yes, that's right. The state of Virginia kept me up last night. I wish it were that these thoughts of Virginia were a result of me having recently visited Colonial Williamsburg, remembering a really beautiful hike, or visiting Christina in Reston, but no, that was not the case.

What kept me up at night was the news I had read recently about the "transvaginal ultrasounds" that the Virginia legislature just passed as being required of any woman that is considering getting an abortion. Oh, that, and the fact that Virginia was also going to allow its policemen and policewomen to serve as immigration agents and check for immigration status when stopping anyone for anything. Oh, and that dumb personhood law that they passed, too.

The idea of being forced to subject myself to a transvaginal ultrasound after having battled with myself to make a painfully difficult, mature, very private decision about my body and my life makes me feel physically ill.

The idea that someone can be pulled over a speeding ticket and then subject to an immigration status check, and even deported, just because of the color of their skin, their appearance, or some stereotype makes me want to cry.

The state of Virginia, hell, the state of the United States of America is that it/they is/are ridiculous.

like looking into a mirror

Someone posted this great article from The Washington Post this morning, titled "A Love Note to the Workaholic." I've been called a workaholic at times, and I've pushed it aside, not agreeing with the tag. "Workaholic," after all, means "one who loves work," does it not? And I don't think it's a LOVE of work that keeps me thinking about my to-do list and checking calculations and phrases in my mind when my head hits the pillow at night - it's a desire to make sure I did it all right.

I didn't think this article applied to me, but after reading the following passage, I realized it did:

"We start to manage situations and micromanage the people around us, not just at work but in the rest of our lives as well. We make what is uncertain certain, no matter what the cost. We basically stay so busy that the truth of our lives can never catch up. We look confident on the outside and feel scared on the inside."

I don't know if I've ever read or heard of such a perfect summary of the way that my mind works. In fact, I don't think I even knew this about myself until I read this explanation. Order, control, organization, planning, and a sense of preparedness are all things that I've learned that I value. There was a time when I thought that I was more of a risk-taker, more spontaneous, a little more reckless...but that must have just been me in my teens when being reckless still meant that I came home to my parents' home each night!

Now, I think I'd like to give myself a bit more credit than this - I'm not terrified all the time, but I do think of all the possibilities, assess all the potentials losses, outcomes, and risks, and it is for this reason that I make detailed packing lists and write events into a planner, try to tie up loose ends before I leave the office, and do my best not to leave things to chance.

Anyways. It was just nice to see someone make sense of what I know about myself :)

sick

I took a sick day today; thinking that the ill feeling I had this morning was just a result of grogginess, I went to work anyway, and then promptly left the office and got home to climb back into bed before 10:30 am. I then slept for 5 hours straight before waking up and still feeling kind of poopy.

Part of the reason that I feel so run-down is that I've been working my butt off on a major report on social and demographic trends and the gender pay gap over time, and the deadline was on Friday...meaning last week and the week before, as well as the last few weeks before then have been really REALLY intense days at work. I've been learning an awful lot, however, and I was able to write a full chapter of the report (on low-wage work and the gender pay gap).

After months of data analysis, outlines, drafting, more data analysis, tables and figures in Excel, and writing and editing...we finally submitted a draft to the Women's Bureau!*

*the draft is confidential until published by the Women's Bureau of the Department of Labor, but should anything final come out of it, I will let you know!