in memory

June 20.

I missed his birthday this year; I was out of town, traveling. He would have been 23.

I'm a little bit less sad this year, but only because time has passed, I think, and the shock and sadness less recent and acute. I don't think he'll ever know how many people he affected both during his life and with his sudden and tragic departure. Thinking of him, his unknown pain and the darkness that only he knew well enough to recognize, I can't help but want to retreat into a shell and wallow in tears and some inexplicable self-hatred for not having known to do anything, for what seems to be the absolute nothing that I have done to help humanity compared to the grand, generous, beautiful picture of selflessness that he painted in all of our minds before he left.

Sometimes, I fear that the holes he left in some of us are too large and too deep to be filled.

But then I remember that I can still see his smile, the way his eyes crinkled when he was truly happy. I can still hear his subtle but joyous laugh in the back of my mind. I still remember the slight hunch of his shoulders and the open, kind tone of his voice. I remember his constant messages of perseverance, hope, vision, and kindness.
I am certain that we will always remember him. And whether he knows it or not, wherever he is, watching us, he will continue to live through in this world in all of the ways he has moved our consciences, affected our actions, and inspired us to be and do good with our own lives.

Happy Birthday, Dbacks. We still and always will miss you.