I just found out that my first supervisor at CAWP who is also a mentor, friend, and role model, was diagnosed with lung cancer. She's going to have to go into surgery within the next few weeks. She's never smoked, no one in her family smokes.

I'm really tired of hearing about people that I care about having terrible things happening to them that they have absolutely no hand in creating.

les cicatrices

Il est toujours beaucoup plus facile de faire semblant que nous sommes indestructibles. On veut croire que les blessures de la vie, que les épreuves, toutes les tristesses ne vont pas marquer nos coeurs et nos peaux. Mais on apprend qu'il y aura toujours les cicatrices.

C'est pour cette raison que je dois écrire, noter mes sentiments de puissance et d'indépendance...pour les temps, les longues nuits oú je me sente seule, vide. Si je les note, je ne les oublierais pas. Et je me demande, pourquoi est-ce que ces sentiments de la fortitude ne restent pas avec moi mais les blessures des erreurs me suivent toujours? Je m'endors chaque nuit éspérant que la douleur me passe. Et je vous avoue que chaque jour, c'est un petit peu plus facil de vivre, de respirer sans le poids d'un temps passé se posant sur mon coeur. Mais c'est toujours un peu douleureux d'essayer de faire semblant que rien ne s'est passé, que je n'ai aucun bleu, aucune cicatrice sur ce corps. C'est fatigant, quoi.

Mais je vais continuer à me souvenir qu'il y a beaucoup plus dans la vie de m'apprendre comment être dépendante d'un amour. Il y a beaucoup plus. Je n'ai besoin qu'un peu plus de temps pour le découvrir moi-même. Je n'ai besoin qu'un peu de temps. Donc, je respire.

Nor'easters. That's what they call these up here.

It's been rainy for 2 or 3 days straight and it's supposed to keep raining tomorrow and then turn into a snowstorm. Not only is there heavy rain and partial flooding all over campus (yuck!) but there is a blustery wind sweeping across campus that makes umbrellas and impermeable outerwear absolutely useless. Hopefully it will pass soon...and hopefully it will be sunny when Jenn comes next Friday to spend a few days with me up here at Wellesley! I think we'll go out to dinner and spend some time in Boston/Cambridge and maybe watch a movie on campus, lots of possibilities!

I ran two 5 x 200 sprint sets this week with 2 minutes between each 200. Ouch. But the times were pretty good, I'm happy with myself! On Tuesday when I ran them I got 31, 31, 32, 33, 34 I think and then yesterday when I ran it again, I got 32, 33, 33, 34, 35. So, not bad! I asked a girl on the cross country who's also a sprinter for the Spring track team what her 100m time was and she said between 15sec and 16sec...which means I'm not that far behind! DAMN I knew I shoulda done high school track hehehe

As for career updates, I have a meeting set up with a woman who majored in Economics and Russian and went on to help stabilize the Russian economy and is now working in marketing for a biomedical pharmaceutical firm in Wellesley! We're going to Lemon Thai :)

Then, I also have a phone call scheduled with Jean, one of the people I reported to at CAWP this past summer. She worked at the Institute for Women's Policy Research where I am applying for a 9-month fellowship in Women and Public Policy. I originally just wanted to meet with Jean to talk to her about her career path and how she got involved in non-profits but she's offered to write me a supplementary letter of recommendation for my application! Very very nice of her!

I'm looking forward to a nice easy weekend, maybe catch a movie this weekend (and by catch a movie I mean walk to another building on campus or stay in my room/Sara's room), get a bunch of work done, and sit around drinking tea and coffee and sleeping. LOVELY. For now, I'm off to practice!

Keep on keepin' on.

A couple nights ago, I had a nightmare that I received a rejection letter in the mail from the Poverty Action Lab at MIT (basically my first-choice for job opportunities as of now). It wasn't just a rejection letter though saying "thanks for applying but no". It was in the form of a high-school report card, and it critiqued me, pointing out flaws in my character, as well as rejecting my application to the position. I have to say that I haven't felt stressed out about it, or at least I don't think so...perhaps I am subconsciously stressed out?

I just submitted a few more job applications in the past couple weeks...haven't heard back yet. The thing that frustrates me the most is that we have no choice but to keep applying for jobs, but in most cases, we don't even get an automated message back indicating that we don't have to wait anymore. I know that it's a big job pool, a big economy. But we're people, too.

I'll be applying to a position at the Federal Reserve Bank of Boston this weekend....whoopie. Although one nice thing is that I received two emails to my personal mailbox from the IRS with positions as an Economist and an Internal Revenue Agent. I don't know how they have my information, and I doubt that they actually see me as like a "preferred" candidate or anything, but it makes me feel better nonetheless!

I also will be attending a Not-for-Profit Job Fair this Friday afternoon, so that should be fun. Better shine my shoes and get my resumes ready!

Alright, dinnertime and then practice.

things to do before you graduate from wellesley: traying!

There is a list of 50 things that you're supposed to during your time at Wellesley College before you gr

aduate, and #10 on that list is: go traying on Severance Green. And yesterday night, I finally got to check that one off my list!

Claire and I made a date to go traying at 10:00pm last night with trays (stolen, shh!) from one of the dining halls that we borrowed from a friend. We got all bundled up in our ski coats and snow boots and walked across campus to the incredibly steep hill in the middle of our wintery, snow-covered campus. Wellesley College is always beautiful, but there are two times when it is absolutely breathtaking: right after a heavy snowfall and when the flowers are blossoming on the first day of Spring. We got hit pretty heavily with snow yesterday, and every tree, leaf, and exposed surface across our campus was covered with a fluffy thick layer of snow. It was gorgeous!

We hiked up to the top of the hill on Severance Green and the view from the top was spectacular. It's a steep hill, we already knew it, but seeing it at night with the lights eerily illuminating the trees and paths cutting through the snow, with muffled sounds of people screaming and laughing as they sped down the hill...that's different. It was like a scene from a painting or a movie.

Then, Claire, and I got ready for our turn! I have to admit, looking down from the top of the hill over the edge, I got a little anxious because I've heard of horror stories, girls breaking arms and tailbones, boyfriends accidentally cracking the trays on their way down and flying into piles of snow head-first...but it's an experience I had to have! 135 years of Wellesley women had done it, and so why couldn't I? With my butt on the tray, gripping tight to its sides, and with a little

push off my feet, I went speeding down the steep hill faster and faster! IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. Claire and I eventually found ways to do it best, to gather the most speed without falling face-first into the powder. We even saw one girl ski down the slope!

To the left is a picture that Claire took for me of me speeding down the hillside on a tray! Can you recognize my orange ski coat?

After traying for some time (and making a new track on one side of the hill), we went down the bottom and made snow angels and a really creepy looking snowman...the snow was a little too fluffy so they didn't stay together that well in the form of a snowman. We made more of a snow-worm.

All in all, a fabulous time spent with a wonderful friend! Yay for fun Wellesley traditions, and taking the time to participate in them :)

belated: cham jam 2010!

I never got to post pictures from the Yale Alleycats Champagne Jamboree because I left my camera with Jenn. But she was awesome and sent it up to me at school and I just got the package today! So here it is!

I got to spend a lovely weekend in New Haven with John and Jenn to see John perform with his incredibly talented a cappella group for the annual Champagne Jamboree performance. I went last year with Mom and Dad, and it was AMAZING. They have gorgeous voices, the arrangements are impeccable, and the dancing and overall stage presence are magnetic. Always a good time to see the Yale Alleycats! Jenn got to Yale on a Friday and I got there the next afternoon after my first solo Greyhound bus trip from Boston to New Haven. It was actually very easy and comfortable, and I even got some homework done. Also, it was SO much cheaper than the train...I only wish that I had discovered this and felt comfortable traveling on the bus my first year. I could've saved so much money! Oh, well.

Then, we spent the day relaxing in John's room and got coffee at Blue State Coffee, around the corner from John's dorm room, and John got his

hair styled for free at a salon because the hairdresser adores him. (Really, she does) I have always admired how personable and popular my siblings are, and well, this was just another example of it. After dinner with John's best friend Kaylee, we went to the chapel to see the performance! To the right is a picture of Jenn holding the paper marker used to reserve seats for us in the front of the chapel. So nice of John!

The concert was AMAZING!! They all sounded beautiful and John did a superb job with his arrangement of Stevie Wonders' "Superstition" which had the alums and audience cheering and clapping loudly! He always does a good job entertaining :) Then, as a silly choreographed number (which John choreographed), they performed a version of "Jai Ho" from the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack, and it was so much fun to watch. John's friend Julian did a really good job with the vocals! After the concert, we had an opportunity to take some pictures, like proud parents and siblings.

And, of course, we had to get a picture of the three of us who were there (we missed the rest of the family!), so John's friend did it for us.

After the concert, we went to an incredibly crowded after-party...and I met a really nice alum. But that's that for now. All in all, a great weekend! I'm so proud of my siblings!

valentine's day

Happy Valentine's Day!

I haven't really gotten that pang in my heart or the minor aching or stirring of my memory that I thought that I would get. Perhaps as the minutes tick by and advance me into the night it will begin, but for now, at 11:00pm exactly on February 14th, 2010, I'm doing just fine :)

In high school, I didn't have a significant other for any Valentine's Day, wasn't ready for one, and didn't really want one all too badly, and so this date always signified a sort of "love" day rather than one in which to celebrate romantic relationships, lust, and amorous promises. I was one of those people who made 50 valentines and little batches of cookies to distribute to my friends and family on this date. Valentine's Day was intended to celebrate love...and so I celebrated love. For my friends and family.

For the longest time, for far too long, really, I forgot about this young, hopeful, and quite beautiful tradition that I had upheld for those years of my adolescence. I abandoned it for the arbitrary, accepted expectation that I should find someone to share my life with...NOW. As in, right NOW. It's funny, we talked about it in my economics of education course, a lot of people have this unspoken motive for coming to college, to find a significant other. I guess it makes sense, humans are relatively codependent and interdependent, sociable creatures, after all. But it is interesting to think that we seek to find some other form of personal validation besides all of the love and care that our family and friends give us. Anyways. I followed suit. Clearly. And even now, I struggle with the slight fear that I won't find someone. But that isn't what life is supposed to be about anyway.

So, this Valentine's Day, I enjoyed taking care of friends and watching out for them when we had a slightly unexpected turn of events on our night out on the town (nothing serious, just some interesting things), I gave out some personalized handmade valentines to some of the people who have been there for me and have been beautiful friends, and I celebrated friends and fun with the ultimate frisbee team in our 2nd annual Whipelove gathering during which we exchange valentines, eat food, and this year, watch the Winter Olympics. What a PERFECT Valentine's Day weekend :)

And with that, I will leave you with a couple beautiful quotations that I have discovered within the past week or so in making and receiving valentines:

"Love is like the wild-rose briar / friendship is like the holly tree / the holly is dark when the rose briar blooms / but which will bloom most constantly?" - Emily Brontë

"Never let the hand you hold hold you down" - Anonymous

"Le us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardners who make our souls blossom." - Marcel Proust

And one more thing that I learned in my "research": the verb "to love" in Persian is the same verb to say "to have a friend." "I love you" translated literally is "I have you as a friend." How beautiful is that?

Happy Valentine's Day :)

Weekend Plans

Happy (early) Valentine's and President's Day!

I kicked off the weekend in a productive manner. My friend, Ariel, and I walked into the ville this morning to get coffee at Peet's Coffee and to do some work, which was really nice. We didn't get a ton of work done, but it was nice to take a little break and catch up. She's one of those lovely people that I wish I had befriended earlier in college but only met this year. I guess better late than never!

For the rest of this chilly Saturday, I will be doing work in my room, attending a little Wellesley-in-Aix reunion at the French House and then going out into Cambridge with Sara and Steph to meet up with a couple guys that we met the last time we went out into the city a couple weekends ago. Should be fun! For Valentine's Day, Steph and I may try doing work at the MIT Library for a little change of scenery and then in the evening, the Whiptails have organized a really cute valentine exchange and social event that I, of course, will be attending.

Then, on Monday, more work, of course, but Ariel, Sam and I might hit up this thrift store-like place called "The Garment District" in Boston to see what we can find, then Ariel and I have a date to work on job applications, and then in the evening, Sara and I are hosting a "Mona Lisa Smile" night with popcorn and tea for a nice end to a long weekend!

All in all, plans for a fun but productive weekend!

¡Música Latina!

My good friend Moody (who is almost fluent in Spanish and plays the guitar and the drums) and I have been entertaining the idea of performing music together (I sing and play the piano) and we've set a date!

She lives in Casa Cervantes, the Spanish house on campus (you can only speak Spanish in the house and there is a live-in Spanish department assistant from Spain who kind of oversees the space. They're hosting a music + food/drinks event in about 2.5 weeks and there will be a big party afterwards, so Moody and I are going to perform a whole bunch of songs in Spanish, one of them being Pedro Capó's Vamos a Huir, which I have been obsessed with since Moody first introduced it to me.

So psyched!

Better

So, I don't really miss practice. Ever. But last night, after a crappy day that consisted of a weird resurgence of emotions that I thought I had left behind in 2009 and the onset of a horrendous cold that left me exhausted, blowing my nose a ton, and feeling ill all around, I realized 40 minutes before practice was to start that it wasn't going to happen. So instead, I did some work and video-chatted with Jin and Jenn until around 10:00pm and then went to bed listening to the comforting hum of my humidifier and some nighttime cold medicine in my belly. Nice.

Today was much better. This morning I had breakfast, and for once, they remembered to replenish the grapefruit tray, so I got to have grapefruit (YUM) and I chatted with a couple friends from the Whiptails who told me about yesterday night's practice. Then, I went to Pendleton and gave my presentation for International Macroeconomics about the American current account deficit and it went...FABULOUSLY!! I felt really good about it and successfully fielded a whole bunch of questions about the presentation. It almost made me want to be an Economics teacher or professor...who knows? Anything could happen at this point : )

Then, as I had depleted my source of cold medicine last semester, I went to CVS and went on a medicine shopping spree: claritin, sinus medicine, cold medicine, cough drops. Ugh. It hits the wallet hard. Especially when you can't find a freaking job on campus. I also needed to look for some winter clothes/gloves because I just can't seem to dress warm enough. I found $3.00 gloves in CVS. Nice. And at GAP, I got 2 sweaters for $4.95 and $9.95. No, I'm not lying. I love sales. You might think they're heinous, but I love 'em:

I should be at practice tonight, and then tomorrow morning I'm off to New Haven to see John's Alleycats Champagne Jamboree!! It'll be great to see him perform again and to meet up with John and Jenn...sadly, Jin can't make it :( But I'm hoping to make a trip out to Ithaca to visit her over a long weekend if I can! Maybe after it warms up a little, though, hehe.

Well, I'm going to start packing and do some work!

Workout - 2.3.2010

5:35 EASY, BABY.

Well, that felt good! Today's been an insanely productive day. I had Spanish this morning and talked to my professor (and finally got the courage to speak up and answer questions in my Spanish 202 class; believe me, it's hard when the whole class has studied at least a year of Spanish and you just started last semester), and she said that she can tell that I've been studying because of my speaking ability! WoOoOo!!

I then had International Macroeconomics, which was super interesting but a crap ton of information for one class. We talked about the post-crisis global economy and the changes that are going to occur in international economic governance, current account balances, monetary and fiscal policy...pretty cool, actually. Then, I rushed to El Table and grabbed a quick but satisfying lunch of a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup and then off I went to the library for a meeting with my presentation partner and a public speaking tutor to go over our presentation for Friday's class.

Well, the rest of the evening entails practicing my presentation and doing some Spanish homework. Time to shower and head to dinner!

Workout - 2.2.2010

I ran a sub-6:00 mile today!! Without warming up! Probably a bad idea in practice, but it felt perfectly fine just pacing myself. I don't actually know my exact time, but when I crossed the finish line, I had a 6:28, but then was informed by my friend that I had run an extra 200m by accident. That would shave off somewhere around 45 seconds...YESSSS.